ch-changes
This doesn’t seem to be as public as myspace, so I guess I’ll spill the beans here.
J. is moving in. :insert lesbian uhaul joke here:
This is good. Yes. I am happy about this, although a bit stunned since her reaction to my initial invitation was pretty much no way, not in the foreseeable future.
Apprehension? Yes, a bit. We have been dating about a year, although it has been a bit rocky and on and off. It seems that most of the ‘issues’ are simply communication glitches and the longer we are together and the more we understand each other the less glitches we have.
Mostly I have become aware of the vast differences with moving in together at 30some vs. moving in together in one’s early 20’s. Wow. Just the amount of :stuff: is pretty intimidating. I find myself staring at my silverware-whose forks will we use? We both have fully functional grownup lady kitchens, how will we ever integrate cookware? What about my flamingos? She loves to cook- will my kitchen flamingos be replaced with cows? Am I ok with that? Um…
I guess my current preoccupation with forks and tupperware is just a defense mechanism against more serious, weighty issues.
I worry about sublimating my identity, again, in a relationship- giving up the things that matter to me, however silly. It’s so easy for me to do this, and I feel like I have really struggled in the last year to establish my own identity apart from being ‘coupled’.
I worry about the coming legal battles, the constant fights with babydaddy. I worry about her being dragged into a fight with asshole, if he decides to get shitty with me about being a queer parent.
I worry about getting sicker and being a burden she doesn’t want.
I worry a little about being an obviously queer parent- and what that will mean to my kids in the comunity.
Mostly, I worry about getting my heart ripped out. I haven’t dated a girl to this level of committment since, oh ‘96. 11 years of hiding from girls.
But~
I have never, not once in a year, seen her act unethically, dishonestly, or with malice.
Her character is beyond question, I admire her intensely.
Her devotion to family, chosen and blood is amazing.
She is surprisingly great with my kids, and they love her.
We are compatible in the most unexpected ways.
And I simply adore her, and cannot imagine my life without her in it.
I’m a bit old to believe in ‘happily ever after’, but I’ll believe ‘happy for a good long time’, despite the fork-confusion.
