Day two of perc-free living. I’m not a fan. Trying to give my liver a break, though, with the scary and extreme toxicity of the mtx that I have to take. My mom gave me a book about treating RA with antibiotics and I might try it. It sounds plausible.
I’ve been wondering how long I have really had this issue. I have boxes and boxes of my health records from when I was a kid in my basement. (mom kept them, I don’t know why)I found one thing that reminded me of a time when I was 18? or so when I had this weird thing in my knees- they just locked up and I could barely walk. I had completely forgotten about this, D might remember. They treated me with some steroids and it just went away. Before that I don’t remember clearly, I was always having bad headaches as a child. I remember feeling so incredibly exhausted in high school, I couldn’t stay awake. I was tested for diabetes and hypoglycemia and all sorts of other stuff a bunch of times. I wonder if they ever considered RA. I’ll have to look though the medical records more and see. I was just thinking about this because I remember this feeling from when I was a kid, this feeling of sitting behind my desk feeling my joints turn to rock. I learned yesterday that this is not just a perception, but an actual medical phenonemon called ‘gelling’ where, at rest the synovial fluid in the joint capsules doesn’t stay as liquidy as it should and it gels, making the joints stiff and painful.
It hurts and it sucks. FYI. I wanna perc.
I sit here trying to keep my eyes open in my office and wonder why I am the consummate underachiever and when and if this will ever change.
Well, for one I am blogging instead of doing something productive.
But besides that. I took my mtx last night, and as usual I am utterly exhausted. I only take it once a week but it really wastes me when I do. This is the treatment of course, for RA and I sometimes wonder if it is worth it. It doesn’t seem to be doing any good- yet. I’m completely off percs today for the first time in a long time and my body is not pleased with me. My hands and feet are on fire, swollen and sore.
I just read a blog, a friend of Pica’s, and she is an athlete- does triathlons, has kids, has a book coming out.
I know all these amazing and accomplished people. And here’s me. Sitting in my office trying not to sleep, no education, no real achievements to date, the only thing lasting I have created is children and even bugs can do that. How do people actually do all this stuff?
It’s frustrating because every time I have tried to jump forward some major crisis has derailed me. I was within months of finishing my Montessori certification when I had my car accident and was brain damaged and unable to finish. I was ecstatically attending OSU when Shannon flipped out on me. I was re-enrolled after that when I got pregnant. Then babies and surgeries and female problems, then it was Wes’s turn to go to school and build his business. This year was MY turn to go to school. It was always the plan that I would be home with the kids while he finished his degree and went to school and then I would go to school when Audrey started kindergarten. Well, she starts in the fall and I am further away than ever from finishing my degree. I probably will have to start over at this point. Now what? I’m in debt, working outside the home, my credit is wrecked from the divorce and now I have to deal with RA too.
Time keeps on ticking, ticking ticking…
Dude. I am going to be 90 and enrolled in college and get eaten by a bear on the way to get my diploma.
I got my mom flamingos in her yard for her birthday. I
I am getting a bit disillusioned with myspace blogging.
Plus I can’t do it at work, which is where I find interesting stuff anyway.
So anyway.
